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Morgus the Magnificent

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New Orleans’ one and only mad scientist grants us an exclusive interview

NOL Oct07_MedRes_Page_34_Image_0001.jpgJust in time for Halloween, New Orleans Living has a terrific treat for its lucky readers: an interview with Dr. Momus Alexander Morgus, aka Morgus the Magnificent, the renowned mad scientist and one of the most brilliant geniuses to ever call New Orleans home! After clambering up to the fourth floor of the dilapidated Old City Ice House in the French Quarter past a bunch of security cameras and a sign that read “Warning: Invisible Attack Dogs on Premises,” I managed to be welcomed with open arms into the bustling laboratory by Dr. Morgus himself, who was more than happy to take a break from his significant work to share his Morgusian thoughts and solutions with the citizens of New Orleans, his adopted city.

In addition to his many important contributions to science and technology, Morgus is sponsoring the ninth annual Easter Seals Louisiana “Hole-A-Ween” Golf Classic on October 26 at the Tchefuncta Country Club in Covington. He encourages all golfers to partake in the good food, fun and folly that the event has to offer.

After first appearing in January 1959 as the host of the “House of Shock” on latenight television, conducting his unparalleled scientific research during breaks between horror and science fiction movies, Morgus is back on local television! The good doctor’s classic experiments can be caught on “Morgus Presents” every Friday and Sunday evening on Cox 10 Television. Viewers may even notice that he looks the same as he did the night of his television debut more than 48 years ago! That’s because Morgus claims he’s discovered the secret to youth and promises to share it with the world … one day!

Dr. Morgus, it’s great to see you! What are you up to now?

October is our annual fund-raising month for the Momus A. Morgus Institute. And as you know, we at MAMI have taken a vow of poverty but not a vow against compensation, which supports our experiments.

But Doctor, do you personally receive any compensation?

Oh, absolutely not! You must realize that as an intellectual, I have a disdain for the vanity of riches. Remember, a person who is content with very little has everything!

Oh, that’s true, but then how do you raise money for your research?

Well, in addition to my assistant, Chopsley, passing the basket on Halloween at all the different banks around town and at Harrah’s Casino, we sell my famous Halloween CD of my original poems called “Hearsery Rhymes: Hilarious Poems From the Grave” on our Web site, www.Morgus.com. Part of the revenue supports my need to keep alive the Dead Poets Society, of which I am the only living survivor.

Well Doc, with Halloween in mind, what do you do when children come to your door to trick-or-treat at the Old City Ice House, where your lab is?
Well, we usually pull them inside the door and give them a flu shot!

Oh, that must be fun! But Doctor, I’m really here because you’ve been chosen to be New Orleans Living’s celebrity of the month for your many brilliant innovations.
Oh, yes, my humility is overwhelmed by such an honor! You see, so much intelligence has been given to me that I have no time to ponder what I do not know, of course! But keep in mind, I did not create the world. In fact, I am barely living on it under these difficult circumstances!

Do you think one day people might be almost as intelligent as you are?
Oh, no! This can’t be because there will always be three kinds of people in the world: The very few like me who make things happen, the many who watch things happen and the great majority who have no idea what is happening!

Well, Dr. Morgus, what scientific work are you involved in right now?
Well, I did invent a stethoscope that is a cell phone. And I guess I am the only scientist who is seriously working on catastrophic physics, the ability to prevent catastrophes like hurricanes and tornadoes and such.

And have you come up with something that could actually prevent hurricanes?
Oh, yes, absolutely! But of course, will the political idiots of the world listen to me? No! You see, most hurricanes develop off the coast of South Africa, where the waters are warm. My Morgusian solution is to cool the surface of the ocean for 1,000 square miles in that area. It would limit the number of hurricanes, I believe.

Well, how will you do that?
How? By pumping the cold water from deep in the ocean using thousands of solar-energized buoys floating on the surface and spraying the cool water from the bottom across the surface of the ocean, that’s how!

Oh, wow, this sounds marvelous!
No! Morgusian! And we have to resolve the problems that remain in New Orleans, like crime. A law must be passed by the New Orleans City Council to make one of my Morgusian solutions work. It’s called the Morgusian Law of Deportation.

Did you say “deportation?”
Yes! Any criminal who commits a violent crime in this city will be brought before the court and will be given a choice to face trial for life in prison or death, or he can sign an affidavit agreeing to be deported from the city for life. If he agrees, and if he should dare be found in the city again, he’ll be taken to the city limits at the 17th Street Canal and released into Jefferson Parish. Then, should he ever be seen in the city again, he would immediately face lethal injection at my laboratory with the dirtiest needle I can find!

Wow, Dr. Morgus, that is certainly draconian!
No, Morgusian! That would clean out the jails, and that’s what we [need to] do here!

Is there any problem you can’t seem to solve?
Oh, so many! One has to do with evolution. If we are to believe, for instance, that we all come from some kind of sponge, why do sponges still exist unevolved? Another probable question is why isn’t the expiration date on sour cream? And I have yet to find out what Preparations A through G might be!

Okay, then. Is it true that you applied for study at Harvard Medical School?
Oh, you had to bring that up! Yes, it is true, but of course those idiots turned me down. They said they didn’t want me while I was still alive!

Little did they know how famous you would become …
Yes, especially after my book New Hope for the Dead hit the best-seller list!

Dr. Morgus, I can’t leave here without asking you some perplexing questions no one else can answer. For instance, will human life expectancy ever double?
Well, yes, mine already has! In fact, 150 years will be the average longevity a hundred years from now. Of course, Medicare won’t kick in until you are 125 years old!

Excuse me, Doctor, but something over there in the corner just moved!
Oh, that’s just Chopsley. He’s sleeping behind the blackboard there. That’s what he does, sleeps behind the blackboard!

Do you think I could interview him?
Well, as you know, he is the quiet type. He’s a man of a few words. Anyway, he is an important assistant and has quite a following. He’s the only individual I’ve ever known to get an honorary degree from an elementary school!

In what other ways are you involved with the betterment of this city?
Okay, this is not for public knowledge because of my contract with “The Powers That Be,” but I’ve been the director of sports medicine for the Saints since the 2006 season. I’ve been secretly working on a few sports medicines, some very innovative procedures, but don’t mention that in the article; this is just between us, okay? You notice the difference in the play level? Morgusian Sports Medicine has contributed! Look, I’m not a gambling man; I hate gambling! I think people who gamble are idiots! But let me tell you, it’s a good year to put your odds on the Saints; I’ll lay you 8 to 5 that they make it to the Super Bowl!

Well, with your amazing résumé, why haven’t you ever run for political office? First, I’d have to seriously lower my IQ! Besides, the Higher Order would definitely not permit me to deviate from my vow of poverty and from my work of elevating the intelligence of the earth. And I don’t think mothers would want me kissing their babies!

But Dr. Morgus, people have said that the real reason you aren’t running for office is that you have skeletons in your closet. Would you like to clarify?
No, but I tell you, there are a lot of politicians you can see through! And you can tell it’s Halloween because these politicians are all playing tricks on each other!

So what made you decide to return to television?
It was all up to the Higher Order! It was done by the powers of telepathy in what is called suggestive thought implant. The thought was planted in the manager and executive producer of Cox Communications and because of that, Cox was interested in bringing Morgus back to inject some excitement to the city. The power to put thoughts in minds is the way of the future, absolutely! So when people say, “I have this thought,” you turn around and say, “No, I gave it to you!”

I hate to be personal, Doctor, but it’s obvious you haven’t married as of yet. Why?
Why, frankly, I’ve forgotten about all that because I’ve been so busy. But I will have to find a life companion because I do need someone to bring my heir into the world so that my work can be carried on if by chance there should be an accident. I have run secret ads in certain magazines. There are strict requirements to be met, and the application for my future wife is rather rigorous and somewhat imposing. There are medical and physical inspections to be had, and all her bank statements must be submitted, but so far no applicant has met the criteria. And I can’t understand these singles bars! Humans go through more requirements to find a well-bred dog than a spouse! Unfortunately, that is not the way to increase the intelligence of gene pools to build the breed to a higher order.

Well, Doc, lots of people today are turning to computers to meet suitable partners. Have you considered searching MySpace on the Internet for your future bride?
Oh, they are cluttering up the Internet with that foolish MySpace! I had no idea that when I invented the Internet it would transform into this ridiculous plateau for sophomoric romancing! I never got credit for inventing the Internet because as you know, the Pentagon and Al Gore stole it from me! But as for my finding a future wife, it will happen someday. After all, celibacy is not hereditary!